I don’t want to be your dad. But since you’re running around out there like a feral dog, chasing every car, barking at every squirrel, and humping every leg you see, someone has to do the job. And it might as well be me. So, Son, step into my study and have a seat. Your Old Man is going to tell you a story. And it goes like this…
Once upon a time, there was a select group of big, tough men who were called the 1st Special Forces Operational Detachment – Delta. But they didn’t call themselves that. That would be silly! “Hey, Ladies, we’re 1st Special Forces Operations Det… Where are you going?” No, they called themselves Delta Force. And as Delta Force, they went all over the world and kicked so much bad guy ass up and down the block, and did it so well, that they became the most feared Special Operations unit in the world. Still with me, Son?
The key to Delta’s success was adherence to a fundamental principle. Namely…
* Surprise, Speed, and Violence of Action.
You see, Son, when Delta made a house call, it was a fearsome thing to behold. They would get into whatever mudhole or dustpit the bad guys were hiding in and, in a flash, stomp their privates into strawberry jelly while humming the Battle Hymn of the Republic. Then, just as fast, they’d get out again, all before the bad guys realized that their balls had been confiscated and could call for their mommies. Pretty neat, huh? The best, most feared operators in the world. The Ball Snatchers (they don’t call themselves that). But get this – and here’s the point, my wild child – they took care of this down and dirty business all over the world for years and years without ever once calling anyone a fag.
Wait, what?? Dad! Are you sure?
Pretty sure, Son. In my many years I have yet to read an account of how a Delta Force unit came in, kicked ass, and then stood around calling the enemy a bunch of fags. “Ha! I killed 50 of your guys and you only killed 3 of mine! Faaaaaaaag!” See? It just doesn’t sound right. Also, I couldn’t help noticing that it’s not in Delta’s fundamental principle:
* Surprise, Speed, Violence of Action, and Name-calling
Delta Commander: Okay, men, let’s sneak in there, plant a shape charge, clear the room with extreme prejudice by killing everyone we see, and then call whoever is left a fag.
Delta Operator: I’m going to drop the N-bomb!
Delta Commander: Why not? It’s what we do!
Except, you see, Son, it’s not what they do. The best in the world don’t act like a bunch of monkeys. And if they don’t, neither should you.
Like you, my unruly, untamed boy, I play Call of Duty games on XBOX Live. And when I do I comport myself like a member of Delta Force would. When a Delta Operator goes 38-1 he doesn’t have an orgasm in front of his friends. Awwwwwwwwwwwwww! And neither do I. When he goes 10-25 he doesn’t call his opponents bitches and brag about his sexual adventures with their mothers. And neither do I. The reason is simple: the play speaks for itself.
If you drop a 50-5 on another team, you don’t need to drop F-bombs. 50-5 is the biggest F-bomb there is. That’s an F-bomb, an S-bomb, and a gay epithet all rolled into one! You don’t have to say anything! So don’t! And if someone drops a 50-5 on you, here’s a tip: shut the hell up. You got jacked and it’s your own fault. Go get better and take them down next time.
You see, Son, if you act like a punk, you’ll be treated like a punk. And if you act like a punk for long enough, someone is going to find you and do bad things to your bunghole. Not me, of course. I’m your fake dad. I phony love you. All I’m saying is, you have to make a choice. Are you going to be a boy or are you going to be a man? Both have their advantages:
* Men get women.
* See advantage #1
* Boys get to masturbate. A lot.
Now I know you’re young, and therefore disinclined to believe what your old dad has to say. So I’ll let Gunnery Sergeant Tom Highway (Heartbreak Ridge) sum it up for me:
“I've drunk more beer and banged more quiff and pissed more blood and stomped more ass than all of you numbnuts put together.”
How quaint. But it’s true. So believe me when I tell you, Son, it’s better to be a man than a boy. Let your play do your talking and give your mouth a rest. You hear me? That’s my man!
Now go clean up your room.